Scott Nash in Where the Boys Are '84 which is about four school coeds going to Ft. Turns out all the hubbub over the zero-warning launch was all compensation - for a plot cobbled together from no fewer than 4 classics, for lower-fee production values suggesting the producers set most of their $45 million finances on fire, and perhaps probably the most cynical, mercenary strategy to related-universe franchising yet. A handful of nifty set pieces get kneecapped by technical shortcomings, and the large reveal as to what the hell this all has to do with Cloverfield is so low cost, so manipulative, and so nihilistic that it might have come from one of many latter seasons of The Walking Dead. Perhaps the veritable tens of viewers for that featureless, rewarmed crime procedural have been waiting to get the backstory of cop Pipa (Luisana Lopilato), but even they will be enraged to seek out that most of the display time belongs to her senior accomplice Juanez (Joaquin Furriel). Afterward, no-one, not even their boss, spares the poor Chatting Naked bastards a second or even first thought.



Mangle has an Ambiguous Gender as a result of conflicting proof from the second recreation. With a lack of disgrace so deep as to border on impressive, director/cowriter Peter Sullivan makes surface-level alterations of race and gender to Verhoeven’s original, but it’s the changes nearer to the core that kill this thing’s spirit. Ellie doesn’t even truly cheat, going no farther than a momentary makeout in a membership bathroom, because Sullivan can’t or won’t make her as genuinely dislikable as Michael Douglas might be. We all know the place things go from here, with a brief indiscretion (Omar Epps) leading to the opposite man’s obsession, but Sullivan has dedication points. We know this due to the big honkin’ Worldstar emblem that flashes over the screen within the opening seconds, and due to the guy who yells the trademark "WORLDSTAAAAAR! The newest in a long line of films that know teenagers use social media but totally fail to know how, this pat after-faculty special dispenses nuggets of knowledge about being true to yourself and knowing who your friends are that possess all of the depth and nuance of a tweet.



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